Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm bleeding and have questions
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
