um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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