we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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