I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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