I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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