i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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