Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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