But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
