I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
