my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
