On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dignity is for republicans.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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