I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize