haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
