i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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