is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
