I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
