hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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