he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
