i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
