while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
