you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
