I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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