get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
