You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ketchup is God's man juice
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
