i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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