Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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