sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this beer tastes like vomit already
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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