i jhust puked up my retainher.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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