Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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