No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
