I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
