I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
