Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
