do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
