So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
