Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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