He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
