Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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