my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
