well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
