im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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