If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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