you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
