my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
