I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
