Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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