Don't make out with my wife yet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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