eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
