Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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