a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
