Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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