Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
