News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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