Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize