i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
God, I missed his penis.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
