I didn't shave. On purpose
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
