i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
