Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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