Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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