I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
